Yikes. Has it only been 2 weeks? Have I cried that many tears in the span of only 2 weeks? I refuse to believe it.
Hearing his name is hard, but yet I bring him up constantly to remind myself that he existed. In the past I have erased memories of relationships, but while deleting the pain I have, also, deleted the precious moments. That is the last thing I want to do right now. I don’t want to erase my feelings out of spite because I can’t be with him. However, I am struggling finding the balance of moving forward and remaining nostalgic with what I had.
Anything that did not fit in my memory box I gave back to him except for one thing. A prize that he won me at the OC Fair. I have slept with it every night since he won it for me and now I hug it for the sweet comfort and reminder that our love was real. It seems silly that I need to be reminded from old pictures or a stuffed animal that I was loved, but I didn’t lose just my boyfriend. I lost my best friend. I feel as though I am experiencing two different forms of a break up in one. I miss my relationship because I could tell him anything without being judged, I could call him at any hour of the night, I could send him funny pictures that made no sense, I could count on him no matter what. I did not just love him, but I was in love.
I love my friends. With all my heart. But I can see in their eyes that they are beginning to become sick of hearing me bring him up. However, I know they love me and would never say such a thing to me. I don’t want to strain my future relationships with them on one that has now become part of my past.
He is my ex. My ex- boyfriend. My ex- best friend. Gosh, that is so weird to say. 1 week ago that would have made me burst into tears, but I really am trying to face the fact that this is my new reality so there is no reason to stay stagnant and just wish for something else. I don’t have the time for that. I need to love myself and put myself first.
If it is meant to be then it will happen. In the meantime… hope for the best, prepare for the worst.