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Who Am I?

I just took a DNA test. Turns out I’m 100% that b*tch.

-LIZZO

I’m not sure if this is going to be a happy or sad journey, but I promise it will be filled with emotion. I love with my whole heart and my whole heart is aching. I want to recognize my love. I want to grieve. I want to be angry. I want to grow. But who knows what will happen. Only time will tell.

Buckle up because it’s going to be one hell of a ride.

Where is The Silver Lining?

When we kissed there were were fireworks and the world around us came to a halt. Sometimes we would smile mid-kiss because our hearts were full. We would laugh together over nothing, we would sit in silence, we would watch animated movies after a scary movie because he would get scared easily. We were happy and our happiness made us invincible. Nothing else seemed to matter because as long as we had each other we could overcome anything.

We were a team. A good one at that. That is… until we weren’t. Only I wasn’t told we weren’t a team anymore. And to be completely honest, I’m not even angry.

He suffered from depression. He began to feel dead inside; thinking it was a phase he didn’t think to mention it. Emotions bottled, resentment built, and I was on the outside. It was a secret I was not a part of until it was too late. Once it had become unmanageable, he exploded. He realized that he needed to fix some things within himself because as cliche as it sounds, “You can’t love someone else until you love yourself.” One look at the other and we knew this was something he had to do for himself, no one else.

It’s unfair that mental health took a toll on our relationship. It’s unfair that mental health took a toll on his entire life. It’s unfair that his culture frowns upon mental health and didn’t offer the support he deserved. It’s unfair that two people who loved and still love each other had to say good bye.

As frustrated and devastated as I am, I know it was the healthy choice for both of us. I want him to find his inner happiness and peace even if I am not there to see it be found.

I’m sad. So very sad. But I’m, also, determined that somewhere in this mess there is a silver lining. There just has to be.

Has it Only Been 2 Weeks?

Yikes. Has it only been 2 weeks? Have I cried that many tears in the span of only 2 weeks? I refuse to believe it.

Hearing his name is hard, but yet I bring him up constantly to remind myself that he existed. In the past I have erased memories of relationships, but while deleting the pain I have, also, deleted the precious moments. That is the last thing I want to do right now. I don’t want to erase my feelings out of spite because I can’t be with him. However, I am struggling finding the balance of moving forward and remaining nostalgic with what I had.

Anything that did not fit in my memory box I gave back to him except for one thing. A prize that he won me at the OC Fair. I have slept with it every night since he won it for me and now I hug it for the sweet comfort and reminder that our love was real. It seems silly that I need to be reminded from old pictures or a stuffed animal that I was loved, but I didn’t lose just my boyfriend. I lost my best friend. I feel as though I am experiencing two different forms of a break up in one. I miss my relationship because I could tell him anything without being judged, I could call him at any hour of the night, I could send him funny pictures that made no sense, I could count on him no matter what. I did not just love him, but I was in love.

I love my friends. With all my heart. But I can see in their eyes that they are beginning to become sick of hearing me bring him up. However, I know they love me and would never say such a thing to me. I don’t want to strain my future relationships with them on one that has now become part of my past.

He is my ex. My ex- boyfriend. My ex- best friend. Gosh, that is so weird to say. 1 week ago that would have made me burst into tears, but I really am trying to face the fact that this is my new reality so there is no reason to stay stagnant and just wish for something else. I don’t have the time for that. I need to love myself and put myself first.

If it is meant to be then it will happen. In the meantime… hope for the best, prepare for the worst.